Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A new season

I just want to say thank you for all of the great positive responses to my last blog. I definitely felt a sense of relief after "letting it all out." But within saying everything I realized something, I'm just in a new season. I would also like to add something else, this season sucks. Adding a third child has done a lot with our family dynamics. My kids are having to learn their place in the family all over again, and while Asher has done a great job with being a big brother to two boys, Soren is struggling. Asher is loving his new found freedom of doing things the others can't do yet. He has learned to read, has grown out of naps completely (ugh that sucks for me), and is starting to be able to do things like play in the back yard by himself and pour his own drinks and cereal. My poor Soren is having a hard time no longer being the baby. He still wants to be carried, yet wants to run with the big boys. Potty training was a breeze but there are so many days it has become a struggle. He sees Asher no longer taking naps and completely fights me on them almost everyday, but the days I let him skip them he is a beast to deal with and ends up falling asleep in one of the chairs right before dinner. He has also been used to so much attention (lets face it the kid is hilarious) but is now in competition with the little chubby brother. And Chaim is pretty oblivious to whatever is going on. He just likes to nurse as much as possible and is now crawling all over the place. He loves loves loves his big brothers and they love to make him laugh out loud. Steve has been my steady constant at the moment. On my worst days he just takes the boys without saying a word trying to give me a much needed break from lack of rest. I on the other hand feel like I am completely struggling. My hormones are so jacked up at the moment (I know this gets better but geez) and I haven't felt this exhausted since, well ever. And I know that this is just a tough season, I know that I can and will come out of this a better person. I also know that God is trying to teach me something that I obviously need to learn or else it wouldn't be like this but seriously. During my worst moments these thoughts are a million miles away and at the time I am pretty sure I cannot even be reasoned with or talked down from my "ledge." I get so caught up in what is happening at that time that is totally freaking me out that all I want to do is throw in the towel. My days feel like they are spent screaming and stressing out about simple things or wanting to just cry just because. And I cry out to God, I also have spent a good amount of time throwing my own temper tantrums, and just flat out being angry with him. I beg for this time to be over with, for some feeling of being normal, to not get trapped inside my own head, and to not be so angry. So many times I feel like it is just silent on his end, like he is being the mysterious one, some big treasure that I just can't understand the clues to get to him. I go so many days wondering if anyone really cares about me and the craziness that is my life at the moment. And then my husband brings home flowers, or goes to work an hour late so I can get some sleep, or suprises me with dinner for just him and me. Asher will randomly come up and give me a hug and tell me that I am his favorite mommy. Soren will curl up in my lap for a long snuggle, and Chaim will sleep just a bit longer (I'm totally convinced its for me) and all is right with the world. In those calm moments I know that God has answered my struggle with nothing but love for me.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Mommy Confessions

My sister in law recently showed me a great book called Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler. It has been one of the best books I have read in a very long time. For so long I have felt so guilty about some of the ways I have raised my children and on my completely stressed out days the (heaven forbid) horrible thoughts that I have had. Granted none of these thoughts have been any of the harming kind, but more like "what have I gotten myself into" along with "if I have to hear mommy one more time today I might start banging my head against this brick wall" (OK maybe not that drastic but you get my idea.) Anyhow, reading this book has made me feel like I am completely normal and mostly not alone. Jill started out like most of us mommies with a blog by just giving updates about her children which then turned into having confessed some mommy woes that then became an anonymous section of their own for moms to come and just vent. And seriously how freeing is it to be able to confess something? 

So here it goes.....my mommy confession (and if you came here to judge just stop reading I have no time for you), sometimes I just want to run away from it all.

I know I know that sounds so awful but please hear me out. I love my family with all of my heart and soul and I know that I would not be the person that I am today without all of their love and support. But some days I am so completely overwhelmed that I absolutely do not know what to do with myself. Some days I feel like no one ever stops to consider my feelings, how I am doing, or even asks what my hopes and dreams are. On those days I feel like I have given and given and given until there is nothing left of me to give. At those moments I feel like I have no identity besides a mommy and wife. I no longer feel like Beth the uber romantic, high heel loving, seeker of the perfect fitting pant, teller of funny stories, crazy girl who speaks her mind a bit too often Witherup. Instead I see the endless piles of laundry, dishes, and floors that need some vacuuming, clothes that need to be folded and put away, along with beds needing to be made and toys needing to be picked up. On top of that I have three bottomless stomachs (one who spits up everywhere) and wrestling matches that start in laughter and end in tears. The constant fighting over toys and attitudes from toddlers is enough to push me over the edge.

During those "I feel like the whole world is against me" times nothing can get through to me. All I envision is getting in a car, turning the music up loud, driving to wherever to road takes me and just curling up in the fetal position and wondering how I can keep going. At that moment all I want is for someone to think about ME FOR ONE FREAKING MOMENT! Now before you decide to try and intervene and maybe try and seek out my doctor for some heavy meds just know this, these moments happen when I am beyond exhausted. When I feel like I have to be super mommy and I absolutely wear myself out. When all of my OCD comes out and I have to have the realization that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. It happens when I am not reading my bible and seeking God in the way I should be, and to add on that instead of trying to sleep when my body says rest I keep pushing myself. 

So Mommies out there I just want to tell you that its ok if you feel this way too. And I want to challenge you just like I am having to challenge myself to just live your life as best as you can. We don't need to be worrying about how perfect we can be because others are watching. Who cares if we screw up some because WE ARE GOING TO SCREW UP and not just some but a lot. And all that we can do is pray about our days and seek other mommies out. Don't go through this alone, because when I think about getting away from everything I have this empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Then I realize that I am already missing my family. And by being selfish in these moments I get to think about all the great things that I have in my life. I think about my husband and how much he helps me out. I think about how smart my Asher is and how often he amazes me by his love of learning. I think about how great of a big brother he is and how much he makes his little brothers laugh. I think about Soren and how funny that kid is and how eager he is to help me clean up or just be my big helper. And I think of my sweet sweet Chaim. As soon as that big boy sees me his whole face just lights up and my day just brightens. 

I'm so happy God gave me the family that he did. I am also thankful for all of my wonderful mommy friends who support me and let me vent (I hope I do the same for them) and I am thankful for my single friends who remind me about life outside of babies but also show me how lucky I am to have the family that I have. And I am so glad that I have the husband that I have. He supports me in every decision I make no matter if I am right or wrong. He lets me have my spoiled brat moments and doesn't judge me for them. He knows when I need to be left alone and tries to accommodate when he can. He also loves me and everything about me and I have never felt so secure about myself.

So, what is your confession?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hi friends

Hey guys!!! It has been so long since I have gotten to write a post and it's not from a lack of things to say, but this new little boy of mine has been a very demanding little boy. He has since become one of the sweetest babies ever but these past few months have been exhausting. If anyone would have asked me if they should have three kids I would probably scream as loud as I could a big NO and then told them that I must have been smoking crack when I thought I could handle three, but things are finally getting back to normal and although it's not happening I could see adding another one.

So I hope you guys haven't forgotten me (with my award winning posts and all ha!) but I am back and will have tons to post :) Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My Little Man Is Here :)

I know that I haven’t got to write in a while but I have a great excuse! On November 4th Steveo and I welcomed our third little man into the world. And this little man was very stubborn about making his entrance. We tried everything we could possibly do to induce labor naturally. I got a labor inducing massage, took evening primrose oil, did every pressure point I could find on YouTube, and even took Castor oil. Nothing worked besides giving me contractions for about an hour, only for them to stop. Finally my doctor recommended induction (ugh pitocin!) when it looked like I was approaching 42 weeks. 

I was so depressed a few days before I had to go in. On one hand I was getting my doctor who knew what my wishes were for this labor, but on the other hand I really wanted to labor at home as long as I could and I felt like everything that I had planned for this labor was just gone out the window. My only excitment was that I had a great doula who I felt like I was really connecting with. So friday morning came and we checked in and got the process started. Around 930 my doula showed up and we spent the next hour just hanging out. Finally contrations were starting but nothing was really happening so we decided to try different positions to see what worked for me. Steve and my doula were great, but my nurse was negative nancy and giving me every horror situation that she could. 

Finally at 12 my labor got serious yay! One minute I was lauging through a contration and the next one almost took my breath away and I realized that things were finally happening. The pain was pretty intense but Steve and Melanie (my doula) were really great about trying to get me comfortable and helping with the pain. Then all of the sudden my body has this tremendous urge to push and holy cow this is really happening. My legs are shaking and I am starting to doubt myself at this point. The stupid tigger sticker that someone has put on the ceiling that was annoying me greatly is now my focal point and helping me get through this. After being told not to push even though my body is the doctor is finally there and things are being all set up. I really wanted a quiet labor because I tend to freak out when too much is going on at once all of the sudden my mom is there along with a respiratory team (there was meconium in my water) and madness is about to break loose. Did I mention that at this point I also have an upper respiratory infection and breathing is hard to do in general? Yes so when it comes time to push I am only making it to the count of 5, everything is completely painful, I am crying and trying to not freak out on everyone because they are all talking!!!! 

After about 40 minutes of on and off pushing, me getting almost hysterical because the pain is so bad I start screaming to cut the child out of me, give me an epidural, do something because I am not pushing this child out. My poor doctor tried to make a few jokes to which I was a complete brat to and snapping at everyone. Finally the doctor told me the way he could help is try and vaccum this baby out to which I agree. THE MOST PAINFUL THING EVER!!!! After about 3 attempts a head finally comes out followed by a fat body. I hear a sweet first cry and this large child is put on my chest. 

At this point I am crying even more because I felt like such a punk for the way I acted, some words I said (sorry Mom), and because I doubted myself. I keep appologizing to mister Chaim Nole and kissing his sweet little head. I was very happy that he was fine and hadn't swallowed any meconium and my mouth hit the floor when we all saw how much he weighed. My fat little man was 10 pounds 10 ounces and 22 inches long. Geez no wonder it hurt so much between his size and the fact that he was face up (which makes labor harder apparently) I no longer felt bad for crying like a little girl ha! So here are some pictures of my sweet little man. He definitely has his own little attitude and the boys love him to pieces.But we are slowly learning to deal with the ups and downs and enjoying every minute of it (ok the non-screaming minutes) with him in our family. And even though at the time I thought my labor was so painful it was a great experience and I wouldn't change any of it. And even though I told Steveo no more kids I would totally go natural again, I just felt so great after and the recovery and pain wasn't that bad and I didn't feel all drugged up. I know that you don't get to hear that very much after a hard labor :)

He already has fat rolls :)

Such a sweet face

Such Long Legs!

Big brother checking him out

Brothers are so proud

Classic flipping the bird because he hates his carseat

Sweet NEW face :)

Attempting to smile

Serious face

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Baby W's Room

Its finally here!!!! Not the baby but a mostly complete baby's room :) I'm very excited because this was my first project to decorate a room all by myself.  Our room first looked like this when we moved in:

And we totally could not decide on a color which was making me a little crazy. I wanted to use a color called robin's egg blue because I had seen it in so many cute boys little rooms (how many times have I mentioned I think its a boy ha!) but then Steve asked if by chance it was a girl would I really want a blue room. My answer was still yes but just in case I let him talk me into a nice soft green which I believe is called Lunar Moon (I'll double check).  

Next came the curtains which took forever because I had no clue on how to use my sewing machine but my sweet neighbor came over and off we went. Curtains were made out of cloth I found at Ikea as well as some of the wall decorations. So here are the pictures!!!! I can't wait to bring this new baby home and putting him(ok maybe her) in their room.

I couldn't get the color to come out right, I hope you can tell how cute they look. I also got the frames below from a thrift store and my mom sanded them down for me so I could paint them different colors and hang up. Once I know what I am having I will paint the burlap I set inside them with the name. Steve had gotten a shipment for his work stuff and so we made creative use out of the pallets.

This was a panel from the pallet that we used to hang the frames on the wall. The frames are held up by twine (excuse the one in the middle it needs to be repainted and I can't find the paint), and I took the glass out just in case one fell down. Instead I put in burlap (which ps when cutting is very scratchy I thought I was going to go crazy) and the knobs are just fun cabinet knobs I found at Lowes.

This is one of my favorite parts of the room. I got these free printouts here and just used different color stock paper to print them out on. I just cut them down and tied them up with twine and hung with baby clothes pins. Even when I am done with this in the baby's room it will be up somewhere in my house its way to cute!

I had extra fabric from the curtains so I just found some sewing hoops at AC Moore pretty cheap and cut the different characters out that I loved and put them up on the wall. The hubs made a W (for Witherup in case you are curious) out of plywood for me and here is another wall.

I already had the crib sheets and the comforter came from Ikea as well and I found a great tutorial on how to just add ribbon to a crib skirt so I think it all came together nicely.

The bed skirt!

Little/big brother helping me take pictures :)

I still have a few more things to do, I need a shelf built (I'm so glad my husband is handy with tools) and there are two pictures that need to be hung but I can't do the pictures until the little one gets here :) I hope you guys like the room, I don't think the pictures do it justice but it will be so sweet for my little one. I can't wait to use it, hopefully in just another week I will be able too!!!! 8 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wreath DIY

Ok I know that I am more than behind on my blog but I have a pretty good reason. Only 1 week and 2 days til my due date and while I know that this baby will come out when its good and ready the countdown is fun for me. Anyway while I am not nesting by cleaning up my need to decorate and create things has gone into overdrive!!!! So last week and part of this week I decided to decorate my front door with one of the wreaths that I keep seeing online everywhere. And while it was hard for me to decide on one thing I just combined all that I loved into this one wreath. So it started with just a round foam wreath and a fun easy yarn color that was a bit neutral. I used a hot glue gun with this and just started wrapping the yarn around the wreath holding it tight and glueing about every 6 or 7 wraps like so...

I couldn't decide what type of flowers that I wanted on the wreath so I decided to mix it up and do a few. The first one that I started with was felt flowers and after googling quite a few I found the one that I liked. I got $.29 fabric pieces from AC Moore and cut them up into 1 in strips.

Depending on how large I wanted my flower I was doing some with 2 strips and some with 3 strips. Then I cut small niches in each strip.

After cutting all of the strips I started to roll them and glue them every few rolls.

Here was my end result :)

I also made some rosettes (I got the tutorial here) like this:

And did a few frayed flowers like this: (tutorial here)

After all of that I got a fun "W" to be in the middle and painted it (ok my husband did so I wasnt smelling fumes) midnight blue. I'm not too excited about how I have it held in the wreath but until I find something better I think its ok. I also wanted to be able to change the color of the flowers out depending on the season so I used large pins with different color heads to add a little bit of flare like this:

Ok and now the moment you have all been waiting for my end results. I was pretty excited about it all!!!

I hope you guys like it. Up next will be the babies room, its even more fun than this!

Friday, September 23, 2011

My life as I know it

My countdown is on, like literally I only have 4 weeks left and if this little person is anything like one of he/she’s older brothers it means an early arrival.  Asher came a little over 3 weeks early and Soren showed up 2 days early, so guessing when this baby will come is going to be fun. The next full moon is supposed to be October 12th so I am hoping for around then ha!

I have so many emotions going on right now and yes I can blame some on the hormones but most of them are just about the unexpected. I am more than excited and nervous about this labor. Both my previous labors were completely done in the hospital but this time I am going to stay at home as long as I can.  I am nervous about the pain and that I won't be strong enough to do this drug-free. I'm nervous about how the hospital will react to a natural birth, as well as the doctor who will be on rotation that day. 

I am more than excited to meet this little person inside of me. I'm ready to know if I really am having another boy (I'm 99% sure that is the case, and I am completely ok with that), or if a little girl is in my future, which I think scares me more than having another boy. I'm ready to see who this child looks like and how the older two will react. I'm more than ready to hold this child and snuggle with it as much as I can.  I'm ready to start our life as a family of 5.

I am totally not ready to see what this pregnancy has done to my body. I know that there is going to be a lot of hard work I am going to have to do to get my body back in shape. And this might sound superficial but I worked hard to be in shape and did nothing about it to keep it up while pregnant. I can only blame myself for this and trust me I do, but I am also trying to be realistic about what I can and cannot do. 

And so this is my life as I know it, full of nervousness, fear, excitment, anxious waiting, and so much joy.  Everyday I look at my boys in such awe loving them more and more and I can't wait to share that love with one more little person.