Tuesday, May 1, 2012
A new season
I just want to say thank you for all of the great positive responses to my last blog. I definitely felt a sense of relief after "letting it all out." But within saying everything I realized something, I'm just in a new season. I would also like to add something else, this season sucks. Adding a third child has done a lot with our family dynamics. My kids are having to learn their place in the family all over again, and while Asher has done a great job with being a big brother to two boys, Soren is struggling. Asher is loving his new found freedom of doing things the others can't do yet. He has learned to read, has grown out of naps completely (ugh that sucks for me), and is starting to be able to do things like play in the back yard by himself and pour his own drinks and cereal. My poor Soren is having a hard time no longer being the baby. He still wants to be carried, yet wants to run with the big boys. Potty training was a breeze but there are so many days it has become a struggle. He sees Asher no longer taking naps and completely fights me on them almost everyday, but the days I let him skip them he is a beast to deal with and ends up falling asleep in one of the chairs right before dinner. He has also been used to so much attention (lets face it the kid is hilarious) but is now in competition with the little chubby brother. And Chaim is pretty oblivious to whatever is going on. He just likes to nurse as much as possible and is now crawling all over the place. He loves loves loves his big brothers and they love to make him laugh out loud. Steve has been my steady constant at the moment. On my worst days he just takes the boys without saying a word trying to give me a much needed break from lack of rest. I on the other hand feel like I am completely struggling. My hormones are so jacked up at the moment (I know this gets better but geez) and I haven't felt this exhausted since, well ever. And I know that this is just a tough season, I know that I can and will come out of this a better person. I also know that God is trying to teach me something that I obviously need to learn or else it wouldn't be like this but seriously. During my worst moments these thoughts are a million miles away and at the time I am pretty sure I cannot even be reasoned with or talked down from my "ledge." I get so caught up in what is happening at that time that is totally freaking me out that all I want to do is throw in the towel. My days feel like they are spent screaming and stressing out about simple things or wanting to just cry just because. And I cry out to God, I also have spent a good amount of time throwing my own temper tantrums, and just flat out being angry with him. I beg for this time to be over with, for some feeling of being normal, to not get trapped inside my own head, and to not be so angry. So many times I feel like it is just silent on his end, like he is being the mysterious one, some big treasure that I just can't understand the clues to get to him. I go so many days wondering if anyone really cares about me and the craziness that is my life at the moment. And then my husband brings home flowers, or goes to work an hour late so I can get some sleep, or suprises me with dinner for just him and me. Asher will randomly come up and give me a hug and tell me that I am his favorite mommy. Soren will curl up in my lap for a long snuggle, and Chaim will sleep just a bit longer (I'm totally convinced its for me) and all is right with the world. In those calm moments I know that God has answered my struggle with nothing but love for me.