Mommy Confessions

My sister in law recently showed me a great book called Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler. It has been one of the best books I have read in a very long time. For so long I have felt so guilty about some of the ways I have raised my children and on my completely stressed out days the (heaven forbid) horrible thoughts that I have had. Granted none of these thoughts have been any of the harming kind, but more like "what have I gotten myself into" along with "if I have to hear mommy one more time today I might start banging my head against this brick wall" (OK maybe not that drastic but you get my idea.) Anyhow, reading this book has made me feel like I am completely normal and mostly not alone. Jill started out like most of us mommies with a blog by just giving updates about her children which then turned into having confessed some mommy woes that then became an anonymous section of their own for moms to come and just vent. And seriously how freeing is it to be able to confess something? 


So here it goes.....my mommy confession (and if you came here to judge just stop reading I have no time for you), sometimes I just want to run away from it all.


I know I know that sounds so awful but please hear me out. I love my family with all of my heart and soul and I know that I would not be the person that I am today without all of their love and support. But some days I am so completely overwhelmed that I absolutely do not know what to do with myself. Some days I feel like no one ever stops to consider my feelings, how I am doing, or even asks what my hopes and dreams are. On those days I feel like I have given and given and given until there is nothing left of me to give. At those moments I feel like I have no identity besides a mommy and wife. I no longer feel like Beth the uber romantic, high heel loving, seeker of the perfect fitting pant, teller of funny stories, crazy girl who speaks her mind a bit too often Witherup. Instead I see the endless piles of laundry, dishes, and floors that need some vacuuming, clothes that need to be folded and put away, along with beds needing to be made and toys needing to be picked up. On top of that I have three bottomless stomachs (one who spits up everywhere) and wrestling matches that start in laughter and end in tears. The constant fighting over toys and attitudes from toddlers is enough to push me over the edge.


During those "I feel like the whole world is against me" times nothing can get through to me. All I envision is getting in a car, turning the music up loud, driving to wherever to road takes me and just curling up in the fetal position and wondering how I can keep going. At that moment all I want is for someone to think about ME FOR ONE FREAKING MOMENT! Now before you decide to try and intervene and maybe try and seek out my doctor for some heavy meds just know this, these moments happen when I am beyond exhausted. When I feel like I have to be super mommy and I absolutely wear myself out. When all of my OCD comes out and I have to have the realization that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. It happens when I am not reading my bible and seeking God in the way I should be, and to add on that instead of trying to sleep when my body says rest I keep pushing myself. 


So Mommies out there I just want to tell you that its ok if you feel this way too. And I want to challenge you just like I am having to challenge myself to just live your life as best as you can. We don't need to be worrying about how perfect we can be because others are watching. Who cares if we screw up some because WE ARE GOING TO SCREW UP and not just some but a lot. And all that we can do is pray about our days and seek other mommies out. Don't go through this alone, because when I think about getting away from everything I have this empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Then I realize that I am already missing my family. And by being selfish in these moments I get to think about all the great things that I have in my life. I think about my husband and how much he helps me out. I think about how smart my Asher is and how often he amazes me by his love of learning. I think about how great of a big brother he is and how much he makes his little brothers laugh. I think about Soren and how funny that kid is and how eager he is to help me clean up or just be my big helper. And I think of my sweet sweet Chaim. As soon as that big boy sees me his whole face just lights up and my day just brightens. 


I'm so happy God gave me the family that he did. I am also thankful for all of my wonderful mommy friends who support me and let me vent (I hope I do the same for them) and I am thankful for my single friends who remind me about life outside of babies but also show me how lucky I am to have the family that I have. And I am so glad that I have the husband that I have. He supports me in every decision I make no matter if I am right or wrong. He lets me have my spoiled brat moments and doesn't judge me for them. He knows when I need to be left alone and tries to accommodate when he can. He also loves me and everything about me and I have never felt so secure about myself.


So, what is your confession?