For the past few weeks I have been meaning to write about how peaceful my house has been lately. We had a relatively painless move, the boys were learning to play so great together, and they were listening when I asked them to do things pretty much the first time, my life felt almost perfect. Then last week hit and something just happened with my whole family. Now my days are filled with "stop fighting", "give that back to him", "go to bed! quit playing!", you get the picture. Some days I don't know how I am going to make it being a momma to boys. There are so many things I don't get about them like the constant wrestling, having to always win (OK I get that one a little), and I especially do not understand sibling rivalry.
I feel like my days are filled with constant frustration on my part and even more repeating what I have said more times than I care. When I ask the boys why they don't listen the first time all I get are shrugs of the shoulders or I don't know. I have tried to be as patient as I can be, showing grace as much as I can, and taking a step back with my attitude. Then today happened, and it seems like all my hard work got shot to hell.
I know that I should not feel guilty when my kids make the wrong choice and I have to discipline them. But when those doe eyes are looking up at you filled with tears and I take a step back to see if the punishment is fitting to the crime and then to realize I have been more harsh than I should be guilt floods me. I end up having a worse day than my kids who have already forgotten what they did and being yelled at or spanked.
I know that I am not a perfect mom, wife, or person and that no one expects me to be. But I want to be the best mom my kids can have. I want them to know that I love them more than I love my own life and I have nothing but their best interest at heart. I want them to feel so secure when they are with me knowing that no matter what I will stick up for them through thick and thin and love them regardless of what they do wrong or right. And so because I want all of these things I am not afraid to tell my kids I'm sorry. I can sit them down and tell them that mommy shouldn't have been as upset as I was and to ask for them to forgive me. I make sure we all hug as much as possible each day even when we fight with each other and that we always tell each other how much we love each other. I'm not perfect and neither are my kids but we all love each other so much, and letting my kids know that I am not the perfect person will help them grow up to be more forgiving of others when bad things come their way.
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