A new season

I just want to say thank you for all of the great positive responses to my last blog. I definitely felt a sense of relief after "letting it all out." But within saying everything I realized something, I'm just in a new season. I would also like to add something else, this season sucks. Adding a third child has done a lot with our family dynamics. My kids are having to learn their place in the family all over again, and while Asher has done a great job with being a big brother to two boys, Soren is struggling. Asher is loving his new found freedom of doing things the others can't do yet. He has learned to read, has grown out of naps completely (ugh that sucks for me), and is starting to be able to do things like play in the back yard by himself and pour his own drinks and cereal. My poor Soren is having a hard time no longer being the baby. He still wants to be carried, yet wants to run with the big boys. Potty training was a breeze but there are so many days it has become a struggle. He sees Asher no longer taking naps and completely fights me on them almost everyday, but the days I let him skip them he is a beast to deal with and ends up falling asleep in one of the chairs right before dinner. He has also been used to so much attention (lets face it the kid is hilarious) but is now in competition with the little chubby brother. And Chaim is pretty oblivious to whatever is going on. He just likes to nurse as much as possible and is now crawling all over the place. He loves loves loves his big brothers and they love to make him laugh out loud. Steve has been my steady constant at the moment. On my worst days he just takes the boys without saying a word trying to give me a much needed break from lack of rest. I on the other hand feel like I am completely struggling. My hormones are so jacked up at the moment (I know this gets better but geez) and I haven't felt this exhausted since, well ever. And I know that this is just a tough season, I know that I can and will come out of this a better person. I also know that God is trying to teach me something that I obviously need to learn or else it wouldn't be like this but seriously. During my worst moments these thoughts are a million miles away and at the time I am pretty sure I cannot even be reasoned with or talked down from my "ledge." I get so caught up in what is happening at that time that is totally freaking me out that all I want to do is throw in the towel. My days feel like they are spent screaming and stressing out about simple things or wanting to just cry just because. And I cry out to God, I also have spent a good amount of time throwing my own temper tantrums, and just flat out being angry with him. I beg for this time to be over with, for some feeling of being normal, to not get trapped inside my own head, and to not be so angry. So many times I feel like it is just silent on his end, like he is being the mysterious one, some big treasure that I just can't understand the clues to get to him. I go so many days wondering if anyone really cares about me and the craziness that is my life at the moment. And then my husband brings home flowers, or goes to work an hour late so I can get some sleep, or suprises me with dinner for just him and me. Asher will randomly come up and give me a hug and tell me that I am his favorite mommy. Soren will curl up in my lap for a long snuggle, and Chaim will sleep just a bit longer (I'm totally convinced its for me) and all is right with the world. In those calm moments I know that God has answered my struggle with nothing but love for me.

Mommy Confessions

My sister in law recently showed me a great book called Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler. It has been one of the best books I have read in a very long time. For so long I have felt so guilty about some of the ways I have raised my children and on my completely stressed out days the (heaven forbid) horrible thoughts that I have had. Granted none of these thoughts have been any of the harming kind, but more like "what have I gotten myself into" along with "if I have to hear mommy one more time today I might start banging my head against this brick wall" (OK maybe not that drastic but you get my idea.) Anyhow, reading this book has made me feel like I am completely normal and mostly not alone. Jill started out like most of us mommies with a blog by just giving updates about her children which then turned into having confessed some mommy woes that then became an anonymous section of their own for moms to come and just vent. And seriously how freeing is it to be able to confess something? 


So here it goes.....my mommy confession (and if you came here to judge just stop reading I have no time for you), sometimes I just want to run away from it all.


I know I know that sounds so awful but please hear me out. I love my family with all of my heart and soul and I know that I would not be the person that I am today without all of their love and support. But some days I am so completely overwhelmed that I absolutely do not know what to do with myself. Some days I feel like no one ever stops to consider my feelings, how I am doing, or even asks what my hopes and dreams are. On those days I feel like I have given and given and given until there is nothing left of me to give. At those moments I feel like I have no identity besides a mommy and wife. I no longer feel like Beth the uber romantic, high heel loving, seeker of the perfect fitting pant, teller of funny stories, crazy girl who speaks her mind a bit too often Witherup. Instead I see the endless piles of laundry, dishes, and floors that need some vacuuming, clothes that need to be folded and put away, along with beds needing to be made and toys needing to be picked up. On top of that I have three bottomless stomachs (one who spits up everywhere) and wrestling matches that start in laughter and end in tears. The constant fighting over toys and attitudes from toddlers is enough to push me over the edge.


During those "I feel like the whole world is against me" times nothing can get through to me. All I envision is getting in a car, turning the music up loud, driving to wherever to road takes me and just curling up in the fetal position and wondering how I can keep going. At that moment all I want is for someone to think about ME FOR ONE FREAKING MOMENT! Now before you decide to try and intervene and maybe try and seek out my doctor for some heavy meds just know this, these moments happen when I am beyond exhausted. When I feel like I have to be super mommy and I absolutely wear myself out. When all of my OCD comes out and I have to have the realization that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. It happens when I am not reading my bible and seeking God in the way I should be, and to add on that instead of trying to sleep when my body says rest I keep pushing myself. 


So Mommies out there I just want to tell you that its ok if you feel this way too. And I want to challenge you just like I am having to challenge myself to just live your life as best as you can. We don't need to be worrying about how perfect we can be because others are watching. Who cares if we screw up some because WE ARE GOING TO SCREW UP and not just some but a lot. And all that we can do is pray about our days and seek other mommies out. Don't go through this alone, because when I think about getting away from everything I have this empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Then I realize that I am already missing my family. And by being selfish in these moments I get to think about all the great things that I have in my life. I think about my husband and how much he helps me out. I think about how smart my Asher is and how often he amazes me by his love of learning. I think about how great of a big brother he is and how much he makes his little brothers laugh. I think about Soren and how funny that kid is and how eager he is to help me clean up or just be my big helper. And I think of my sweet sweet Chaim. As soon as that big boy sees me his whole face just lights up and my day just brightens. 


I'm so happy God gave me the family that he did. I am also thankful for all of my wonderful mommy friends who support me and let me vent (I hope I do the same for them) and I am thankful for my single friends who remind me about life outside of babies but also show me how lucky I am to have the family that I have. And I am so glad that I have the husband that I have. He supports me in every decision I make no matter if I am right or wrong. He lets me have my spoiled brat moments and doesn't judge me for them. He knows when I need to be left alone and tries to accommodate when he can. He also loves me and everything about me and I have never felt so secure about myself.


So, what is your confession?

Hi friends

Hey guys!!! It has been so long since I have gotten to write a post and it's not from a lack of things to say, but this new little boy of mine has been a very demanding little boy. He has since become one of the sweetest babies ever but these past few months have been exhausting. If anyone would have asked me if they should have three kids I would probably scream as loud as I could a big NO and then told them that I must have been smoking crack when I thought I could handle three, but things are finally getting back to normal and although it's not happening I could see adding another one.

So I hope you guys haven't forgotten me (with my award winning posts and all ha!) but I am back and will have tons to post :) Happy Wednesday!